On my mind....

I've had some things on my mind lately. Sometimes I don't share them because I'm not sure if it's appropriate, or I don't want it to sound like I'm being overly dramatic, or I figure it is probably boring. But, tonight...I feel like sharing.

I have been known to have a temper. It flared up this evening. I'm ashamed to admit it. I have this super-sensitive button when it comes to my cooking. I don't know why. I've had it for around 3-4 years now. I don't cook very often. I'm made fun of for it, and I feel embarrassed that I don't do better for my family -- that is one of my roles as mother, right? I deal with it, and sometimes I do better than others. Brad never comments or complains. (that, without a doubt, has saved him from my wrath :) Tonight, though, Bethany got grumpy with me when I served broccoli with her mac and cheese. How dare I?? She pretty much only eats chicken nuggets, fries, mac and cheese, microwaved hot dogs, and sometimes steak. Green beans, cucumbers, and corn are the only veggies, and corn doesn't really count. Well, when I saw her disapproval I asked her if my cooking was not good enough for her. (leading question, I know.) She said yes, then went on to say that she likes Grandma Judy's cooking better. I mean, yay for my mom, but ouch for me. I lectured her good, I left the room and was really mad and hurt, I came back and told her she better eat it all, etc., etc. I had both girls upset, and we sat there eating our mac and broccoli with tears and silence. How silly, right? I hope I never react like that again. The last thing I want my kids to remember about me in 20 years is how scary their mommy used to get when she was mad. Ugh.

When I had my ultrasound last week....wow, only last week - it seems like a month ago....Brad and I thought everything was awesome. The tech was the best ever. She took like 40 minutes measuring, taking pics, explaining things, and showing me the baby's face over and over. It was so cute because Baby would open and close its mouth and move its tongue around. It was just so cool. Then, I went to the bathroom afterwards to empty my bladder, of course, and the doctor met me in the hall on my way back. She said, "the placenta is too close to your cervix" and I immediately got scared. I knew the diagnosis before she said it, placenta previa. I got tears in my eyes and kept thinking about a dear friend of mine who went through the worst case scenario a couple of years ago when she had to have an emergency c-section and her sweet baby did not make it. When I got emotional I explained to the doctor about my friend, and she wanted to know more. She told me that it was very rare for that to happen, and that 85 % of her patients with this carry to full term and the previa corrects itself. They'll check by ultrasound in another month of so, and more often if needed. I'm on pelvic rest which is stressful for other reasons. (If that's TMI, sorry.) That's the only change in my lifestyle she has prescribed. We're okay if I don't start bleeding in the next 15 weeks, and I'll have a c-section if it doesn't correct itself. (also freaking me out because I haven't had one before.) After the first day, I calmed down. I have no control over this. We just keep praying for the baby and for all to be well. My pregnancy seems to be moving in slow motion now because I'm waiting to find out if the placenta grows to higher ground, so to speak. It's our time to focus on faith and positive thinking.

On a lighter note, I'm getting the feeling that this baby is a boy, and it's not based on anything logical, probably. I physically cannot get through 2-3 hours without a protein boost. I don't want chocolate, which is completely weird for me. A friend did her crystal thing over my belly and declared "boy." And, I checked the Chinese calendar which also said "boy". Why am I doing this when I say I don't want to know the gender yet? Why should it even matter? I don't know. Curious to see if these methods turn out to be accurate, I think.